Taelor had cancer and I had to have have him put to sleep on 10 Aug 2017, a day shy of 5 months after Tom died.
Random moments of absolute brilliance interspersed with complete incoherence.
A friend posted in his journal about suicide and the voice in his head telling him to do it. Tom told me that he had a voice in HIS head telling him to kill himself.
Cancer beat him to that, unless he overdosed on morphine when trying to reduce the pain from the cancer.
Either way, I found him dead in my bed on March 11, 2017. I had gotten up that morning to let the dog out and thought to let Tom rest as long as he needed to. But, I got a movie in the mail that Tom said he liked to watch and put it on the bed next to him
Last night, April 28 2017, Brandon and I went out for dinner to honor Tom's birthday. We both raised our drink glasses to him.
I'm still locked in the fog that makes it a bit more difficult to get things done. A common occurance that happens when someone's partner dies.
I'm going to the celebration of his life tonight. He has touched the hearts of many people.
I'm going to be assessed again on May 5th... *insert eye roll here*
There aren't any available in my area, but my case manager is going to assess me again. But hopefully I'll be getting my power scooter in the next month or so and that will help.
3 October 2016
I will need to get a hearing about the new parenting plan and primary custody of Nicolas and child support if Steven doesn't respond by 25 October 2016.
This was done and I was granted primary custody of Nicolas on 21 November 2016.
Tom sees the oncologist today, hopefully he'll learn how they think he should treat the esophageal and liver cancers.
He's very fatigued and swallowing food is a challenge. He's already lost about 25-30 lbs.
I'm very concerned for him and don't feel that 5 years together is a long enough time. We'll be celebrating 5 years on November 13th 2016.
I'll be by him each step of the way.
I fell yesterday 26 July 2016 and skinned my left knee. I think this makes 3 falls in the month of July. I'll have to check my book. Yes 3 falls this month, 1 inside, 2 outside.
I need to make a phone call about getting a caregiver.
I fell at about 1:30 this morning. I skidded across the floor, between the love seat and the dog crate. I got a rug burn on the palm of my right hand, plus I landed on my water cup. I may end up with a bruise on my abdomen, near one of my incision scars.
I need to get some sleep now.
Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis, PrEP
I started taking Truvada 11 July 2016 to make sure I don't contract HIV from my primary partner, Thomas.
He gets frequent blood tests and his viral load is undectable. Taking truvada is another step to make sure I don't get it, in addition to using condoms.
I've thought I was a boy for a long time, I didn't like wearing skirts or dresses. I wore them when I thought it was expected of me, since I was assigned female at birth, or AFAB.
I started growing breasts and felt like my body was betraying me. Then I started my period at age 12, more body betrayal.
I tried to be like most girls, but I ended up feeling like I'm acting in a play. It just didn't feel like the real me.
I had 3 children, the first 2 were 2 years apart, the baby is 8 and 10 years younger than his half brothers.
A few years later, Chaz Bono came out as transgender and it clicked. I'm not a tomboy, I'm transgender. I didn't come out to my mom until Caitlyn Jenner publicly came out as transgender. I came out publicly on my Facebook page.
In the beginning one needed to see a therapist to get things done legally and now that isn't required and Medicaid will cover hormones and some other things.
I only want hormones and top surgery. I'll be calling Planned Parenthood tomorrow because they will help transgender people.
I had my assessment for getting an in-home caregiver on Wednesday March 9th, only to get a call letting me know that they thought I was too adaptable, or something like that, as if I didn't need help around my home. I might be somewhat adaptable, but that doesn't help me change the sheets on my bed after I had night sweats the previous night.
Sure I live in a one level apartment, but that doesn't mean I don't need help with housework. Vacuuming tires me out, even when I don't move the furniture to get the dog hair that is hiding under it, that tires me out even faster. That dog hair is still under the furniture, probably organising a takeover, after the carpet adopts a personality of its own.
Standing in one spot for 10 minutes or more can render my legs unusable, the muscles lock up and act like I don't remember how to walk anymore, they don't want to move properly. This makes it harder for me to actually cook meals. I'm too poor to order food delivered.
When I get over heated or stressed, I can end up with ataxia, my legs make it look like someone put the wrong sized legs on me, or like they were out on the wrong way. One time I had ataxia and my Mom said it looked like I was trying to walk with someone else's legs.
I see my significant other on the weekends, the days when he's not working at his job. The rest of the time, I'm home alone and have to rely on the bus if I needed to go anywhere. This is difficult for me in bad weather or when I need to go to one of the cities that are 15 miles away from where I live.
Coordinating the time I must leave my house so I can catch the buses for the connecting routes. What used to take me less than an hour back when I still drove could take me better than 3 hours either direction. It's exhausting.
I trip when walking in my apartment, especially when I'm tired. I lose coordination when I'm too warm, tired, or sitting for too long. My feet don't always go where I want them to, sometimes they want to sightsee as I walk down the hall. Not good when I pass the back wheel of my rollator and my foot gives it a kiss as I pass. Down I'd go.
Once, I was crossing the street on my way to the nearest bus stop and my foot or walker hit a rock and all forward motion stopped. I fell in the middle of the street, in front of oncoming traffic. I was mortified!
Does this, sound like someone who doesn't need any help?
I also need help with folding laundry. I'm a little shorter than 5' 1", I have a king size bed. Folding the sheets is a nightmare for me. The edges are longer than I am tall. Remember me mentioning night sweats? My body doesn't care that Tom was here a day or two ago and won't be back for 4-5 more days. I'm not a Princess, but I'm not a fan of sleeping on stinky, crunchy sheets either.
I can take the dirty sheets off the bed, but putting clean ones on are more than I can do by myself. Sleeping on the naked mattress pad isn't my idea of a good time.
Did you forget that I'm living alone, with my dog 4 to 5 days a week? Taelor isn't much help in the houskeeping department, he just helps with getting things dirty/messy.
I have a load of laundry in the washing machine, I'd better get it started before it starts to stink (wet towels).