Monday, August 6, 2018

Tonight's conversation with my dad...

I told my dad that as part of my transition, I wanted a bilateral mastectomy. He asked me why I wanted my breasts removed, only for him talk about how much he loved breasts on women.

If I identify on the masculine spectrum, I'm not a woman and I don't want my father talking about loving breasts as if he'd take it personally if I had mine removed.

My body, MY life. My transition is NOT about my parents, it's about making things right for me.


I saw the endocrinologist today. I need to get labs done, a sleep study and I don't remember if I need anything else done... oh yeah, need a dexa scan. I hope to start testosterone within the next 2 months... hopefully I'll start by 26 Sept.

I called the insurance person about a bilateral mastectomy, I hope I hear from her tomorrow. I'm so ready for the breasts to be gone.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Looking back.,

For as long as I can remember I've always thought I was a boy. My mom called me a tomboy, so I just went along with that until I realized that it could be something else, I could be transgender.

The year of my 40th birthday, Chaz Bono came out publicly as being transgender and that's when all the puzzle pieces fell into place.

Chaz is 22 days older than me, I remember seeing him on his parent's TV show, on TV.

Thursday, July 5, 2018


I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist on 1 August 2018. Next stop is getting an appointment with an endocrinologist so I can get started on HRT. I'm about to start the road to becoming the true me.

Edited on 31 July 2018...

My appointment with the psychiatrist is tomorrow, the appointment with the Endocrinologist is on 6 August 2018. I also have an appointment with my psychologist on 20 August 2018.

Yay, things are moving forward at a brisk pace for now.

Hopefully I'll be starting hormones soon. I'll also be wanting info about changing my gender marker and updating whatever needs to be updated... I also want to know about top surgery. I had the hysterectomy in 2015.

I'm nervous and giddy at the same time. I better write stuff down in my little note pad so I won't forget them while talking with the doctor.

Saturday, May 26, 2018


I fell in the kitchen on Wednesday, resulting in a concussion w/amnesia.

Today is Saturday 26 May 2018. I don't have strong memories of things that happened this week or the previous week.

I know that Brandon had emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix in April. 4/20 stands out strongly, but I'm not sure on the specifics. Was it the day the appendix ruptured or something else somewhat related.

I also started online classes in early May so I could work towards my Bachelor's in Accounting that got put on hold thanks to the MS dx and other things in 1998.

I'm currently having rather lucid memories about my MS dx flooding back to my mind while I wait for Mary to pick me up and take me home.

I'm just writing them down in my blog so I'll have them available so I can contact a Social Security lawyer about reasons I think I should qualify for SSDI.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

College 2018-?

I found out what my first 2 classes are: marketing and human relations. I start on May 7th.

Friday, April 27, 2018

College 2018

I'm signed up to go back to school to earn my bachelor's in Accounting. Classes start on 7 May 2018.

I'll be attending online classes at Southern New Hampshire University.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Mexican Mojito

1 oz lime juice
1 oz simple syrup
4 mint leaves
2 oz tequila
3 strawberries
Lime wheels for garnish

Sunday, February 18, 2018

My weight loss since Thomas died

18 Feb 2018

I have lost some weight...

I started out wearing mens size 36 jeans and now I'm wearing Tom's size 32 jeans. Currently the equivalent to a womens size 10.

The last time I weighed myself, my scale said 154. Maybe I should pick up a pair of mens size 30 jeans.

The last time I was in this weight range was when I was living in Colorado and still able to do a lot of walking.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Journey into better eating

In the fall of 2017 I decided to try the Ketogenic diet/lifestyle.

Since Thomas' death on 11 March 2017 my weight blossomed up to about 183 lbs at my heaviest and I didn't like how that made me feel. My friend Pixie had been doing the Ketogenic diet, plus exercise and had great results, dropping more than 100#. So I thought I'd see what would happen if I tried the diet, without the exercise. I lost 20# between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've lost a bit more, but I don't have the numbers at the moment. I'll post them when I have them.

~Jendie aka Jesse

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Check out this awesome recipe:

Tuesday, November 7, 2017


Taelor had cancer and I had to have have him put to sleep on 10 Aug 2017, a day shy of 5 months after Tom died.


Thursday, May 25, 2017

Writing by EJ Douglas

EJ Douglas to
I wrote this for a friend who needed to know her worth and so did her potential suitor. Only after did I realize that it can apply to nearly every woman I know....
She is as strong as the winds of a hurricane.
Do not try to contain her, she will slip through your fingers.
She is as fragile as the wings of a spun glass fairy.
Do not try to hold her too tightly, she will break.
She is as fierce as a mother bear protecting her cubs.
Do not try to rule her. She will cut you to shreds.
She is as beautiful as the heavens.
Do not be jealous, she will turn her back on you.
She is as loving and passionate as Aphrodite herself
Do not mistake this for weakness, she can destroy you with a glance.
Her heart has known more pain and sorrow than you will understand in 10,000 lifetimes
And more joy and happiness than you will understand in 10,000 more.
She keeps it locked away, more secure than Davey Jones locker.
If you truly love her, patience will guide you there and trust is the only key.

Thanks sister from another mister. I love this and see a some of myself in this even if I'm not the person you wrote it for. <3 font="">

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Thinking about Tom and ...

A friend posted in his journal about suicide and the voice in his head telling him to do it. Tom told me that he had a voice in HIS head telling him to kill himself.

Cancer beat him to that, unless he overdosed on morphine when trying to reduce the pain from the cancer.

Either way, I found him dead in my bed on March 11, 2017. I had gotten up that morning to let the dog out and thought to let Tom rest as long as he needed to. But, I got a movie in the mail that Tom said he liked to watch and put it on the bed next to him

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Tom's birthday

Last night, April 28 2017, Brandon and I went out for dinner to honor Tom's birthday. We both raised our drink glasses to him.

I'm still locked in the fog that makes it a bit more difficult to get things done. A common occurance that happens when someone's partner dies.

I'm going to the celebration of his life tonight. He has touched the hearts of many people.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

A new assessment

I'm going to be assessed again on May 5th... *insert eye roll here*

There aren't any available in my area, but my case manager is going to assess me again. But hopefully I'll be getting my power scooter in the next month or so and that will help.

Tom's Battle...

Tom lost his battle against cancer on 11 March 2017. That was the day he was going to contact the doctor about  going forward with Death With Dignity, but it turned out he didn't need to.

I found a movie that made me think of Tom, it's called The Danish Girl.  It reminds me of Tom in the way that he told me that he felt like he was a woman in a male body. Kind of like I feel like I'm a man in a female body.

Here's a little something I found online...

The tragic true story behind The Danish Girl

Einar Wegener would kill himself in the spring. He had chosen a date – May 1, 1930 – after a year spent in torment. The cause of his suffering was quite simple: he was sure he was a woman, born into the wrong body. Or perhaps it was more complicated: sometimes Wegener, whose life is soon to be portrayed on film by the Oscar-winning British actor Eddie Redmayne in The Danish Girl, felt he was two people in the same body, each fighting for supremacy. 
One was a Danish landscape painter, a steadfast man who, in his own words, “could withstand storms”. He was married to a woman whose strength and talent matched, or perhaps even surpassed, his own: Gerda Wegener, a successful Art Deco illustrator who produced portraits of fashionable women for magazines such as Vogue and La Vie Parisienne.
The other shared none of these qualities. Lili Elbe was, as she set down in letters and notes for an autobiography, a “thoughtless, flighty, very superficially-minded woman”, prone to fits of weeping and barely able to speak in front of powerful men. But despite her womanly defects, by February 1930 she was becoming too powerful for Wegener to resist. “I am finished,” he wrote at the time. “Lili has known this for a long time. That’s how matters stand. And consequently she rebels more vigorously every day.”

I'm mad at myself for forgetting what female name he said he wanted if he got the surgery. I wish I had written it down.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Tom's decline

Tom has stopped chemo treatment after discussing it with his oncologist, the chemo was only extending his life with no chance for remission. He was experiencing neuropathy in his hands and feet because of the chemo treatment and it stopped when he stopped treatment.

He only has weeks left and has been making plans for what to do with his remains.

I love him so very much, but seeing him suffer is hard on me and I told him I didn't  want him to extend his life if it only made him miserable. He's ready to let go and I'm willing to let him die on his own terms.

I wonder if this is what I'd need to finally get a caregiver... that's too high a price to pay.

Power Scooter

I finally had an appointment with the wheelchair specialist at PT today. YAY!! I expressed my interest in a power scooter. They asked the all the pertinent questions, had me drive a power chair so he could see that I was capable of driving something with a joystick, though the scooter I want uses a tiller, which I'm familiar with.

Now to wait the approximate 2 months before I get it. My insurance needs to approve it, then order it. It should get to me shortly after my birthday at the end of March. lol  

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Revised parenting plan

3 October 2016

I will need to get a hearing about the new parenting plan and primary custody of Nicolas and child support if Steven doesn't respond by 25 October 2016.

This was done and I was granted primary custody of Nicolas on 21 November 2016.